lenkache

Unexpected things I hate about expecting..

2009-11-22T03:55:31Z

A few things about being pregnant that I had not expected, and that I cannot stand:

-- I hate people around me suddenly "forgetting" reasons to talk to me, other than ask me "how are you feeling" and ask me about the baby again and share another pregnancy advice. I hate writing emails to friends just to get another short "how are you feeling?" back.
I feel like shit because being pregnant means that you are no longer you. Everything else that made you "you" up to this point (your interests, talents, hobbies, sense of humor, etc) suddenly shouldn't mean anything, and if it does - you are a bad person and a bad future mother.

-- I hate talking about it. Seriously, people - even if you like gingerbread lattes, the 3rd time someone mentions gingerbread lattes to you today is gonna make you cringe, and the 23rd time someone mentions gingerbread lattes to you this week is gonna make you wanna hit them with something heavy. And even after you specifically tell people "look, I REALLY do not want to talk about babies any more" , they look at you like "oh, you are gonna have to get over this" and keep on trying to talk about babies. I especially hate it at parties or group gatherings when another mother suddenly finds my presence there a perfect and long-waited reason to share the details of her recent breast-pumping experiences - in front of the other 10 people who obviously don't give a crap.
Involuntarily I seem to be inviting these conversations everywhere. Being pregnant means that you get good at finding ways to change conversation subjects without being super rude. And that you no longer care as much about being rude.

I hate it when seeing an old school friend for the first time in 3 years turns into a 2-hour hospital delivery advice. I hate it when I tell a person that I am really busy working right now and have to run, and in return hear "so.. have you painted your baby room yet?"

It is just plain logical and simple: I do NOT want to or have the time to talk about baby names, breast-feeding, painting the baby's bedroom and all this stuff 25 times a day! And I do not want to feel guilty about not wanting to talk about it!

-- I hate it because I am building a business in a heavily male-dominated industry in a country where gender equality, just like racial equality for that matter, is still nothing but a list of instructions a hiring manager refers to in order to avoid law suits. (I was recently surprised to realize that former USSR offers the most gender equality out of all places I've been to so far). And I am worried about the additional shit I am going to have to put up with once I can no longer conceal my pregnancy under the jackets. Would I even be able to close any new deals in another month or so? Would I lose clients since most of my clients' wives are stay-at-home maids, and I am not sure my clients understand that it is NOT the baby that is going to dictate my ability to get things done.

-- I miss feeling good. This is one of the things I miss the most - having the energy to do things. Contrary to what pregnancy books tell you, the fatigue doesn't end with the first trimester (at least not in my case). Really, it is hard to feel good about yourself when you can't get much done because you need 12-13 hours of sleep a day, and have to substitute activities with naps. And when you are awake - it takes will to stay awake. (Low blood pressure and anemia don't help.)

-- I miss not feeling depressed. There are still a few things I have not resolved in my head that cause me a lot of anxiety. I can deal with financial stress/lack of money and other tangible issues. What I cannot deal with is the existential crap - am I doing the right thing by bringing another human into this world? In today's world (in the place I am at) with the crappy school systems, with almost mandatory mental medication, with so little chance for kids to have an adventurous childhood (a childhood that I had) - play outside with other kids, walk or take a bus to activities without parents holding your hand, explore your own independence. How will I protect my kid from TV, from the stupid play station games, from all the artificial and materialistic crap that simply didn't exist when I was growing up?

I was blessed with having an awesome childhood: playing outside till dark with other kids (and without parents), in nature, fishing, skiing, skating, being able to explore my own independence since I was 7 or 8 years old. I had my key to our apartment, my mom was at work all day, and I just did my own thing, by myself: heated left-overs on the stove, took a bus (or a boat across the bay) to dance lessons, walked to piano lessons, walked to school, knew that I had to do my home work before I could go play. And when the homework was done - the world was at my disposal, with 20 or so kids living within a 10-minute walking distance I could go grab to raise hell outside.
Since the early age I was given responsibilities, and I was rewarded with more independence for meeting these responsibilities. And as long as I was home before dark, as long as I did my house chores, as long as I was getting "A's" - I was allowed to be "on my own".

This is so not the reality today, at least in the US. Yet, to me, having this fundamental freedom to make a few daily decisions on your own as a kid is essential to a human's ability to grow up as a normal and functional being.

For most generations parents wanted their children to have a better childhood than what they had. Seems like my wish is almost the opposite: I want my kid to have the childhood I had, yet I realize that this is not going to be possible. I need to figure out how I am going to cope with not being able to give my daughter the childhood I want her to have. But again, moving to a farm is always an option. : )

Well, this is obviously a rant, after another day of being tired, and trying to find creative ways to avoid more upcoming baby talk during holidays by an impromptu getaway to some place in the Caribbean.

There is a lot that I need to figure out.

It's Native playing at O'Rilley video

2009-04-20T06:31:45Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIsh4630LYc - the sound guy was completely anti-bass and not much into vocals (turned both way down apparently), but - that was a fun impromptu gig!

Bats

2009-04-20T06:24:09Z

Never realized that bats are more like humans (not like mice). Really cool video (cool in the beginning, gets kinda boring towards the end):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9m6HfWQ-IgM

Back yard lawn to garden conversion :: 5 weeks later, plus the pictures

2009-04-10T05:23:46Z

http://greenroost.com/blog/2009/09/267/

Recorded 3 new songs..

2009-04-08T03:24:56Z

.. with It's Native. Check it out: http://www.facebook.com/pages/its-Native/52693461077 (it's a "garage" recording : )

The one called "And Could You?" is my translation of Mayakovskiy

I am here

2009-03-23T07:08:36Z

I am here: http://greenroost.com/blog/

6 reasons to start composting today!

2009-02-02T07:14:35Z

http://greenroost.com/articles.php?id=62

Just sprinkling some common sense onto eco-marking

2009-02-01T06:42:48Z

http://greenroost.com/articles.php?id=61
more coming soon !

Pics from Argentina

2008-12-17T07:00:58Z

Ok, here it is: http://www.flickr.com/photos/65917320@N00/sets/72157611257163074/show
lots of icebergs, glaciars, pinguins, good steak and tango.. Totally great trip!

The opposite of love is boredom..

2008-09-24T06:06:30Z

that says it

Hey, thats a pretty good article after all..

2008-06-15T02:58:44Z

http://www.elkore.com/elBlog/default.asp?Display=16

: )

.........

2007-03-06T05:15:00Z

Today I was trying to introduce some good person to the poetry of Mayakovskii, but couldn't find any decent translations in the Internet.. so - I had to do it myself :)

(What a way to waste a couple of hours when your are supposed to relocate some freshly-baked code to the server!)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Have It!

In about an hour into this empty street

Your fat will flow one man at a time

I've shown you treasures so deep and sweet

- I am the greatest spender of precious rhymes

For instance, you! - off your mustache

The cabbage is dripping, escaped from the borsch

And you, woman, all powdered and flashy

You're an oyster peaking from the shell of trash

On the butterfly of my poetic heart

You all will stomp, dirty boots, no boots

The horde of beasts sturring grumpily

The 100-headed louse snapping its roots

And what if today, I, the rude savage

Won't entertain your wasted time

I will laugh and spit right at your faces

I - the biggest spender of precious rhymes

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And could you?

I've smothered all the greyish notions

By splashing paint from the vase

I carved the thick jaws of the ocean

On the plate of boulliabase

Beneath the metal fish's armour

I've found love's aspiring root

And you? Could you perform a nocturne

with water in the gutter flute?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
They Don't Understand..

I came to the barber, I told him quickly

"Be so kind and trim my ears."

The smooth barber immediately turned prickly

His face deformed, like that of a pear

"Crazy! redhead!" - someone said

The curses bounced, a beep and a toot

and for some time a laughing head

jumped in the crowd like an old radish root

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And Yet!

The street has collapsed like the nose of a syphilitic

The river is sweetness dissolved in saliva

Undressed from the folliage till the last leaflet

The gardens voluptuously relax in summer

I came to the square

with the sunburnt houses

arranged on my head in a reddish wig

People are scared - from inside of my mouth

Undigested scream is flapping its wings

But they won't judge me nor would they bark at me

They'd garment my steps like they would any prophet's

Because all those, with collapsed noses

know that I am their poet

Like any pub, your judgement is chilling!

I'll be the only one grabbed by the whores

To carry me to God thru the burning buildings

to absolve their guilt and remorse

And God will cry while reading my poetry -

(not a word, just seizures condensed into words)

And he'll run all over the sky with my poetry

And he'll share with his friends my magical chords.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Listen!

Listen!

If someone turns the stars on

it means that they need it?

it means that someone wants them to be there?

it means that someone calls these little spits - "jewels"

Battling

thru the flurries of mid-day dust

he rushes to God

he is so afraid he is late

Crying

kissing God's veiny hand

begging

to make sure that the star is there!-

He swears

he'll never bear the starless torture

And later

he paces anxiously but looks calm

and says to someone:

Now, you are not afraid?

of anything?

Right?

Listen!

If they turn the stars on

it means that they need it?

if means that it absolutely must be so

that every night

at least one star is lit

over the roof tops?!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Search for "Mayakovskii" on Google, and among the results you'll see 4 of his profiles on myspace.com. Here is one:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=108487626

The good thing is - he is in my "extended network". :)

Vchera utrom fax prishel opya't pojevannym..

2007-02-26T04:01:58Z

Ostrov po-Texasski

2007-02-24T21:06:45Z

Vy smotreli "Ostrov", film Pavla Lungina?

Tak vot, kajduu subbotu i voskresen'e ya imeu ches't nabluda't *live* nekotorye sujety etogo filma (tolko zamenite surovuu krasotu Russkogo severa na jelto-korichnevye ottenki severnogo Texasa).
Tolko sujety eti vovse ne *zatragivaut dushu*, a probujdaut nekotoroe jelanie shvai't lopatu i probi't cherep ih "glavnomu gerou".

Nash sosedushka snes na hren svoi ni v chem nepovinnyi house i ryadom rastusshie derev'ya, sam pereselilsya v kakoi-to flat, i teper' na pustom uchastke otstraivaet ocherednoi 3-h etajnyi McMansion. Ne dlya sebya - net, on naidet pokupatelya: iz srednego klassa semeiku s 2.5 children, hotorye posle posesshenia tserkvi voskresnym utrom obyazatelno vsei sem'ei na svoem Ford Explorere vyezjaut na *all-you-can-eat* yaichnitsu s bekonom , i potom - v Wallmart - otovarivatsya deshevym shir-potrebom. Bo tolko takoi pokupate'l v znak sobstvennogo velichia potratit pol-limona na 3-h etajnuu korobku-urodinu, tyanushuusya ot odnoi glanitsy uchastka do drugoi.

.. a mne jalko - i srublennyh derev'ev - ve'd ranshe redkim vecherom k nam zabegala lisitsa ili kayote. A tepe'r kajdym utrom prosypaeshsya pod zvuki benzopily i otboinogo molotka. I sebya - horosho bylo ranshe side't vo dvorike, pod derev'yami i v tishine. I sosedei v malenkih uutnyh domishkah vokrug - oni ostali's v durakah, potomu chto ne pridumali snesti na hren svoi *starinnye* po amerikanskim merkam domishki, postroennye v 40-50-ih, kogda essho stroili kachestvenno i iz horoshego kamnya. I, kogda stroili, to ostavlyali vokrug derev'ya, potomu chto schitala's tsennoi vozmojnos't priyatno poside't vo dvorike vecherom.

I Jasona, s ego ideei www.nomcmansions.org, kotoruu on vse essho pytaetsya komu-to vdolba't.

Vot takoi vot "Ostrov" po-Texasski..

lenkache @ 2007-02-19T20:48:00

2007-02-20T05:28:53Z

Okazyvaetsya, chita't polezno ne tolko dlya prosvesshenia i poluchenia novyh znanii, no i dlya poluchenia staryh znanii - to, chto kogda-to sidelo v horosho dostupnoi chasti cherepa, no s godami i v otsutsvii potrebnosti ispolzovania, postepenno oselo v tu chas't golovnogo mozga, kuda, bez postoronnei pomosshi, uje i ne dokopaeshsya.

Naprimer, segodnya - redkii vecher, kogda ya sobrala's chego-nd' pochita't po-russki.
Stydno, no zabyla ya mnogie slova. Vernee, pomnu, kak oni proiznosyatsya i pishutsya, i primernoe znachenie. No eto skoree vkus, zapah i assotiatsii, chem konkretnoe znachenie slova.

Naprimer, slovo "Ostrog" prinosit assotiatsii o chem-to drevnem, severnom, derevyannom i zasshishennom ot vragov, chto-to srednee mejdu krepost'u i ostrovom. A chto konkretno ono oznachaet - nu ni pomnu.

I ne daet mne pokoya eto poluznakomoe slovo na rodnom yazyke. (Ladno essho, kogda ya redkim vecherom muchau kakuu-nibu'd stateiku po-ispanski na www.granma.cu, i tak i pret menya zalez't s kajdym poluznakomym slovom na babelfish za perevodom.. a tut - rodnoi je yazyk!!)

Vot i prishlo's dela't neskolko raz "Cut and Paste" v google (bo eto bystree, chem putem translita, i tem bolee bystree, chem mne samoi napechata't slovo "Ostrog" v google russkimi bukvami :). I vot - neskolkimi resultatami poiska okazyvaetsya kakaya-nibu'd wikipedia po-russki, gde ya snova dlya sebya otkryvau to, chto znala v 5-om klasse :)

Obidno ...
Obidno bylo i mesyats nazad, kogda ya na polke brata v Mogileve otkopala staryi uchebnik po fizike. I ponyala, chto i zakony Newtona, i elektrodinamika, i formuly rasscheta uskorenia tela, dvijusshego po naklonnoi ploskosti - s godami plavnen'ko tak spolzli po naklonnoi ploskosti vniz, v nedostupnye zony, a naverhu ostali's lish otpechatki, assotsiatsii, vosponimania o shpargalkah i lysom polusumashedshem prepodavatele.. i neojidannoe voshisshenie: "kakoi je ya byl umnyi let tak 15 nazad".

lenkache @ 2007-02-19T20:37:00

2007-02-20T04:41:08Z

ОН: И если ты пришел на балет, и ждешь, когда запоют, то напрасно тратишь время, ибо лишены голоса эти женщины и мужчины в белых трико.

ОНА: И если ты пришел в оперу, и ждешь, когда эти поющие, толстые фигурки заговорят человеческим языком, то напрасно тратишь время, ибо не приучены они, выражать свои чувства в простоте.

ОН: И если ты думаешь, что все о чем здесь говорилось, имеет хоть какой-нибудь логический смысл, то лучше сходи на балет. Так как существуют в мире несколько балетов, в которых люди в белых трико поют.

ОН: И если ты считаешь, что за профессией стоят подлинные переживания, то ищи эти переживания в опере, где полные женщины изображают принцесс, а пожилые старики молодых влюбленных.

Иван Вырыпаев, "Кислород"

.. accounting.

2007-02-07T08:33:29Z

someday I'll post a better post..

but tonight I am doing a corporate accounting for my baby-company..

so.. just to give you an idea on what corporate accounting means: lets say, you got $2000 from a client for a webdesign project, and you put that into your personal bank account, and then send $1000 to Minsk - and you need to record that in your accounting journal entry (as I'm doing here tonight). Here is how you'd do it:

1. Create an invoice for Customer A, for $2000
2. Create a payment from Customer A, for $2000
3. Debit "Due to/from officer" , $2000.
4. Credit "Consulting Income", $2000
5. Debit "Consulting Income" for $1000
6. Credit "Minsk Account", $1000
7. Debit "Minsk Account", $1000
8. Credit [every expense(s)] in Minsk - $1000
9. Transfer $1000 from a US bank account to the Minsk bank account

10. ...drink 2 bottles of wine, stare at the ceiling and think:
how did I get to this point???